It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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