You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i came on her dog
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
