Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize