I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
