Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize