I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Randomize
