im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
