White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
