I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
