The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize