i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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