I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Is it penis luge time yet?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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