Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
