Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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