Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
