She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
