I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
