My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize