You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
