I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
