I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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