I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
