Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
