I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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