I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
