I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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