I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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