Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
