Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
