Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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