Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
