next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
