He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
