I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
