Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
