he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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