I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
