Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's official drugs can't kill me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
