I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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