why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
