apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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