Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
