Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize