after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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