I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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