I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
