The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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