Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
