I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
