We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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