I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
