Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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