just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
