I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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