hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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