I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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