Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
