U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
