YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
